Blog

4/24/24

My dearest Manny,

Today, April 24, 2024, you would have turned 65 years old. A milestone birthday by any benchmark imaginable and images of past events have flooded my consciousness all week. We should have been talking about how old we are getting, how this year the date of your birthday is a palindrome, and how now you were a real senior citizen entitled to Medicare. Instead, I am sitting at my desk surrounded by your photos and wishing you were here.

When we were growing up, we were blessed to be surrounded by a very large, close-knit family, and close friends who although not related by blood or marriage were just as precious. At that time, the thought of losing anyone was not even a glimmer in my conscious mind. We were surrounded and protected by what at the time seemed to be an impenetrable wall which I felt would always protect me from both physical and emotional harm. Slowly but surely that wall began to crumble and I helplessly watched as erosion started to wear it away brick after brick. I started to feel the pain and vulnerability that loss inevitably brings. Although you were the youngest, you were also the first one to leave us. Subsequently, gradually, imperceptibly, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, friends, and parents, left this earthly plane. With each passing of a loved one, that once impenetrable wall started to evaporated into nothingness

While I know that you had to leave I need you to also know that not a day has gone by when I have not missed you and wished for just one more hug and kiss, one more long conversation while we stayed up all night and watched movies from the 30s and 40s (especially the Bette Davis ones), one more photography session snapping pictures in the city, at the zoo, or the Botanical Gardens, or a jaunt through an art museum or NYC gallery.

The longing of missing you is palpable. There are so many things I would love to share with you and seek your wise counsel. Our family has never been the same but we live with the hope of reuniting sometime in the future in a place where there will be no pain or sorrow. My faith supports me in the knowledge that you are happy, pain free, in good company with our parents and other immediate/extended family and friends. I look forward to the time when we will all be together with you once more and I am happy for that but it still does not diminish the void in our lives. However, I seem to miss you more and more each day that passes and can't help but wonder how different things would have been if you were still here with us. I know that you would be amazed at how much Christopher looks and acts like you. You would be so proud of him. I know that you would have continued to be a strong role model and source of moral support for him.

I miss watching you dance and enjoying life with the vivacity and gusto that you always showed. I miss your grace, strength and dignity even after finding out that you had a terminal illness. I miss your wicked sense of humor. I miss that incredible sixth sense that always seemed to spook people when you would tell them something that by all the things we consider to be common sense you absolutely should have had no way of knowing. I miss how you always made me feel pretty, smart, worthwhile and a good person. You saw things in me that I am still searching for. God gave a gift to the world when you were born; a person who loved and cared. An individual who saw a person's need and filled it, who encouraged and lifted people up, who spent energy on others rather than yourself. A special person who touched each life you entered and made a positive difference in the world. I know that you are still here with us in so many ways; in our memories, in our hearts, through the legacy of your beautiful photographs and through all the little hints that let me know you are still taking care of your “big sister”.

Although you may no longer be a physical presence in my life, you permanently reside in a large piece of my heart where you have nestled comfortably for the past thirty-eight years and will be there until we can celebrate special occasions once again.

      May the love you showed to others be returned to you exponentially multiplied in your eternal home. I will love you forever and long after that. Continue to rest in eternal peace, my beloved “little brother” and until we meet again may you soar with the angels and watch over us until we can be together again.

.

Love you lots and forever,

Your big sister xoxoxo

"All through the long winter, I dream of my garden. On the first day of spring, I dig my fingers deep into the soft earth. I can feel its energy, and my spirits soar."

-- Helen Hayes

Every year I look forward to Spring and to nature for spiritual renewal and artistic inspiration. After the quiet solitude of Winter with the snow and ice covering the earth in frozen blankets, the first buds flowering on my perennials, the grass returning to its verdant green, the birds sweetly chirping God’s praises; my spirit is lifted and my body is energized. I find that the repeated changes of the seasons deliver a sense of calm and hope that better things are on the horizon. Just as night turns into morning and winter melts into spring, there is an infinitely healing property in these recurring refrains of nature. As I begin to get my gardens ready, to this spring turning into summer, and to many opportunities to share my gardens and yard with family and friends, I am compelled to give thanks for the worldwide return to light, health and normalcy after this prolonged era of darkness. So, if you are looking for me, you will find me ankle deep in water and new soil, knee-deep in mulch, elbow deep in fertilizer, totally surrounded by hoes, garden shears, and spades, and enveloped in the sweet fragrance of new flowers and shrubs. Just come on into my yard, make yourself at home, inhale the beauty of nature and renew your spirit and praise the glory of God’s bounty.

Usually, this renewal begins with the cleaning and opening of my fish pond. That corner of my yard is dedicated to my father whose name was Angel and my mother Hilda in gratitude and love for all of the things they taught me, especially the paramount importance of love and respect for nature and all living things. The area is dotted with angel statuary. These silent sentinels watch over all of the beauty contained in that small space. I know that my parent's spirits reside in that wonderfully peaceful place. I feel their presence as I sit in meditation on the stone bench my son installed for me, listening to the gentle splashing of the waterfall. At times, my mind is suddenly jolted back from my reveries as a flash of bright orange streaks by or jumps joyfully through the sparkling water and it is at those times when I can hear my parents whispering in my ear “Ten fe, todo saldrá bien”. (Have faith, everything will turn out fine).

Just as I believe in the renewal of nature’s bounty, I need to reassure myself that personal, physical, and emotional healing is also possible. My garden helps me heal. My garden helps me grow. My garden brings me peace and joy. My garden renews my faith that everything will eventually turn out well according to God’s greater plan for my life.

Please feel free to come and share in the beauty of my garden and soak up the healing properties of my little slice of nature.