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4/24/24

My dearest Manny,

Today, April 24, 2024, you would have turned 65 years old. A milestone birthday by any benchmark imaginable and images of past events have flooded my consciousness all week. We should have been talking about how old we are getting, how this year the date of your birthday is a palindrome, and how now you were a real senior citizen entitled to Medicare. Instead, I am sitting at my desk surrounded by your photos and wishing you were here.

When we were growing up, we were blessed to be surrounded by a very large, close-knit family, and close friends who although not related by blood or marriage were just as precious. At that time, the thought of losing anyone was not even a glimmer in my conscious mind. We were surrounded and protected by what at the time seemed to be an impenetrable wall which I felt would always protect me from both physical and emotional harm. Slowly but surely that wall began to crumble and I helplessly watched as erosion started to wear it away brick after brick. I started to feel the pain and vulnerability that loss inevitably brings. Although you were the youngest, you were also the first one to leave us. Subsequently, gradually, imperceptibly, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, friends, and parents, left this earthly plane. With each passing of a loved one, that once impenetrable wall started to evaporated into nothingness

While I know that you had to leave I need you to also know that not a day has gone by when I have not missed you and wished for just one more hug and kiss, one more long conversation while we stayed up all night and watched movies from the 30s and 40s (especially the Bette Davis ones), one more photography session snapping pictures in the city, at the zoo, or the Botanical Gardens, or a jaunt through an art museum or NYC gallery.

The longing of missing you is palpable. There are so many things I would love to share with you and seek your wise counsel. Our family has never been the same but we live with the hope of reuniting sometime in the future in a place where there will be no pain or sorrow. My faith supports me in the knowledge that you are happy, pain free, in good company with our parents and other immediate/extended family and friends. I look forward to the time when we will all be together with you once more and I am happy for that but it still does not diminish the void in our lives. However, I seem to miss you more and more each day that passes and can't help but wonder how different things would have been if you were still here with us. I know that you would be amazed at how much Christopher looks and acts like you. You would be so proud of him. I know that you would have continued to be a strong role model and source of moral support for him.

I miss watching you dance and enjoying life with the vivacity and gusto that you always showed. I miss your grace, strength and dignity even after finding out that you had a terminal illness. I miss your wicked sense of humor. I miss that incredible sixth sense that always seemed to spook people when you would tell them something that by all the things we consider to be common sense you absolutely should have had no way of knowing. I miss how you always made me feel pretty, smart, worthwhile and a good person. You saw things in me that I am still searching for. God gave a gift to the world when you were born; a person who loved and cared. An individual who saw a person's need and filled it, who encouraged and lifted people up, who spent energy on others rather than yourself. A special person who touched each life you entered and made a positive difference in the world. I know that you are still here with us in so many ways; in our memories, in our hearts, through the legacy of your beautiful photographs and through all the little hints that let me know you are still taking care of your “big sister”.

Although you may no longer be a physical presence in my life, you permanently reside in a large piece of my heart where you have nestled comfortably for the past thirty-eight years and will be there until we can celebrate special occasions once again.

      May the love you showed to others be returned to you exponentially multiplied in your eternal home. I will love you forever and long after that. Continue to rest in eternal peace, my beloved “little brother” and until we meet again may you soar with the angels and watch over us until we can be together again.

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Love you lots and forever,

Your big sister xoxoxo